Sunday, May 24, 2020

Post-Graduation Reflection

I did it. After four years of being pushed inside and outside of the classroom, four years of intense personal growth and development, four years of Busch Light and Starbucks consumption, and four years of memories and relationships that will last a lifetime, I have graduated from Creighton University with a B.S.B.A in Financial Analysis and a B.S. in Communication Studies. I cannot express enough how grateful I am for the friends, family, and mentors that made my time in Omaha so remarkable. So remarkable, in fact, that I have decided to return to Omaha in July to start my Master’s in Business Administration from Creighton University. Although not the original plan heading into my final semester, I felt an intense calling to begin my post-graduate journey in the place that has become a second home for me. 

As I write this from Northern Minnesota over Memorial Weekend, I feel nothing but gratitude. If you were to tell me during the summer of 2016 that I would fear going back home and leaving Creighton, I would have been convinced you were lying. Yet here I am, struggling to come to terms that my undergraduate days have come to an end. It still feels extremely surreal. Given the unprecedented situation due to COVID-19, this time seems to be even more unearthly than it already is. However, I was able to spend the latter half of the semester surrounded by my closest friends, and it was because of our time spent together during quarantine that I feel more connected to them than I could have ever imagined. 

Throughout my final week in Omaha as an undergraduate student at Creighton, I attempted to do three things. First, I needed to process the reality of the situation. As much as I hated to admit it, college does end. Secondly, I embraced my emotions regardless of what they were. I was sad, excited, scared, grateful, etc. Finally, I wanted to take this time to grow personally. Regardless of how I felt, I knew that this transition would be a pivotal part of my personal development. Today, I want to write about my fears as I enter the next chapter of my life. Given my anxiety disorder, I understand that the root of all anxiety is fear. Facing these fears while simultaneously being open about them has been the most important process of healing for me. I also know that I am not alone in the unrest that I am feeling, and hopefully, this blog makes you feel that as well. To all my graduates, congratulations on all of your accomplishments and I wish you nothing but the best as we move forward together. To my undergraduate friends, don’t ever take this time for granted and embrace every part of the journey. 

Time. This may be my biggest fear. My time at Creighton flew by in the blink of an eye. As I moved through senior year, I often questioned if my previous three years of school even happened. It truly seemed like it was just yesterday that I arrived at campus in a downpour as my parents helped me move into Swanson Hall. The reflection on my time at Creighton poises a daunting scenario; time moves faster than I would like. Just as college ends, I know that this life ends as well. This scares me. My love for life is so intense. Even on days where it appears that I can no longer live, the blessings that flood my life keep me alive. Will the rest of my life move this fast? This recognition has allowed me to never take a moment for granted. 

Happiness. I have never been happier in my life. I have the most amazing friends that make me feel accepted and loved. I understand that this element of my time at Creighton is a privilege and one that some individuals cannot relate to. However, this has been a gift and a curse for me. As I prepped for my departure from Omaha, this fear hit me like a brick wall. Will I ever be this happy again? What if I don’t ever feel happiness? Although some of you may be thinking that this is irrational, it is a part of my anxiety and a fear that, hopefully, will slowly fade away. I know that a life full of happiness awaits me. 

Relationships. Relationships are the heart and soul of everything I do in this life. I love building and fostering relationships. This integral element of my life is what guides me in everything I do. As I touched in my previous section, I have been so blessed to be a part of relationships that make me happy. That being said, I think the toughest pill to swallow is the fact that these relationships will change. People move to opposite ends of the country. People meet new friends or coworkers. Never again in my life will I live within a three-block radius of my closest friends and that crushes me. However, I have faith in my generation for making an effort to stay in touch. I know my friends can expect frequent communication on my end. The bonds I have made know no distance and I am excited to see how the relationships I have made develop. 

Purpose. The notion of ‘purpose’ has been a reoccurring topic of discussion between my therapist and I. These last four years at Creighton University has provided me with more purpose and passion than I could have ever imagined. I was a student manager for Creighton Men’s Basketball. I served as a leader in Sigma Phi Epsilon. I was intensely involved in Campus Ministry and the Candlelight Choir. Creighton catered to all of my passions. As I transition into the next chapter, I fear that this passion and feeling of ‘purpose’ will be nonexistent. I’ve seen and heard too many stories about men and women monotonously moving through their lives, working a ‘9-5’ that they hate just to make ends meet. I fear that this will be what my life becomes. Purpose lies in the eye of the beholder, and my purpose will show itself to me when the time is right. 

The ‘Should-Be’s.’ Over the course of this final semester, I took a senior-only Theology course titled ‘Ignatian Spirituality.’ Throughout the course, students partake in a prolonged Ignatian retreat similar to one that St. Ignatius of Loyola took. Father Carlson, SJ and Father Gillick, SJ guided us through a multitude of different styles of prayer and discussion that transformed my faith immensely. One of the toughest obstacles I dealt with was this notion of a ‘standard’ relationship with God. As a product of Catholic education, there exists a flaw in the system; kids are taught precise ways to pray and connect with God without any sort of personal exploration. Our personal and professional lives are set up the same way. We follow leaders and mentors that live life the ‘correct’ way. I’ve come to terms that there is no ‘right’ way to live this life. THL 471 taught me to live my life the way that I want to. God gave us our desires because He knows what is best for us. However, I’m scared that the life I want to live won’t be as ‘good’ as it could be. Growing and learning to love myself and my journey will allow me to be my ‘full self.’ 

Locus of Control. I think every reader of this post can agree with me – there are elements of our world that we simply cannot control. And as somebody with an anxiety disorder, it is difficult to fathom that there are elements of my life that I have no control over. For the entirety of my life, I have been told that I am in control of my destiny. Until last summer, I really did believe that. Now more than ever, I recognize that I don’t have as much control as I previously thought. How will I know that a higher power is looking out for me? Where is my life heading? Due to the global pandemic, I lost my job and had to rethink my entire future. This scares me. I know that there will be many moments in my life that blindside me. However, giving up control allows me to live and breathe with no expectations. 

Mental Health. When my anxiety disorder developed and grew over the summer, I had an intense and real fear that I would spend the rest of my life in and out of a mental institution. This fear still haunts me day-in and day-out. Will I continue to live a mentally healthy lifestyle? Being in Omaha and at Creighton saved my life and being removed from what I am comfortable with concerns me. However, I find peace in knowing that my worst days are long gone. I fight this battle every day and I recognize that I have the tools and resources to overcome this. 

I hope this post provides comfort and serenity to those who find themselves in my shoes. I hope this post provides insight to older individuals that may be unaware of the fears and thoughts that people in my generation go through. The only thing I am sure of in this life is that I want to be open and honest in everything I go through, because every human being should be heard and valued. Regardless of all the fears, I am excited to begin this next chapter. 

Have a blessed Memorial Weekend and thanks for reading. 


-       Brady  

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