It has been a while since I have written on this blog. In fact, it has been a while since I’ve written for the sake of writing. As we all know, the way life moves can be quick, and we often forget to take a step back and reflect on everything that crowds our day-to-day routine. Well, I am writing this tonight because life has caught up to me. It is my responsibility to finally sit here with my thoughts and pick the pieces back up.
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To be quite honest, I’ve been feeling fantastic these past few months, which explains my silence and lack of writing. I’m busy finishing up my master’s degree at Creighton University, I have a great job where I am surrounded by driven and compassionate people, and I’m in the company of fantastic friends that fill my weekends and downtime with companionship and fun. I’ve been on top of the world. It’s funny to reflect and think about why I actually feel good when my anxiety is limited and suppressed. I feel like I have purpose. I feel confident in who I am now. I feel confident in who I am becoming. I am at peace with the present. I don’t fill up with shame when I fuck up. The most important, however, is that I am not afraid of my mind. I don’t fear my anxiety. This is how I’ve been feeling lately. However, a few weekends ago, my anxiety threw me for a loop that I am still working on managing.
I had a pretty regular weekend. Our friends in Omaha have found ways to stay busy in the midst of a year full of changes, stress, and adjustments. The Blue Jays had a big game against Xavier, and it was business as usual. As I come to understand myself more, I’ve realized that Sundays are a difficult day for my anxiety. Staying out entirely too late coupled with a lack of structure, I find my mind wondering to places where it has no business being. The “Sunday Scaries” for me involve pondering over my existence, asking questions like, “Why did we evolve to human beings,” and questioning everything that I enjoy and/or desire – different from some of your “Sunday Scaries” probably. This Sunday started out well. I felt at peace. I felt comfortable. As the day was coming to an end, I took a quiz for an MBA class (did not do well on it) then decided to watch the new Billie Eilish documentary on Apple TV. As I began to watch it, I suffered through some strenuous and uncomfortable intrusive thoughts. “She isn’t real. “This is fake.” “Everyone in your life is a figment of your imagination.” The thoughts continued and grew louder in my head. Do you know that feeling when a song is stuck in your head and you can’t shake it? Almost like the song is playing in your head at the same volume of music at a sweaty and crowded college party? This is what was happening to me. After all my work in therapy, I’ve come to know that these episodes pass, and I decided to pause the documentary and go to bed. Yet the monster that I call anxiety was still present in the morning.
The intrusive thoughts grew louder and began to spiral out of control. “You aren’t real.” “You are in a dream.” As I try to be more specific in walking through my thoughts, I’m struggling to even remember the specifics. The intrusive episodes leave me extremely disconnected and disoriented. The last week feels like a blur. For over a year, I have gone to my therapist every Tuesday. This past week was no different and I went to him with all of the weight my mind was carrying. The therapy session didn’t work as it usually did. On a regular Tuesday, I leave his office in West Omaha feeling calm and peaceful – that I am rounding a corner on another week of my life and my journey with anxiety. However, it was not the case on this particular day. My anxiety was still leading my mind to question my reality. “Are my coworkers real?” “Is this music I am listening to real?” “Is Drake a real person?!” I wanted so badly for my mind to just shut off. I now thought that this could be a different mental disorder. “Do I have schizophrenia?” “Am I bipolar?” “Am I having a break from reality?” “Am I suffering from psychosis?” “What if I have to spend the rest of my life in an insane asylum?” In that specific moment, while sitting at my cubicle, I firmly believed I would never recover and that all of my progress over the last two years was thrown out the window. I felt crushed.
I began diving into research online for tips and tricks on how to shake out of this anxiety episode. None of the advice seemed to work. I was completely and unable to get out of my own head. I lost joy in listening to music – because my anxiety was telling me the artists were not real. I lost joy in watching hoops – because my anxiety was telling me the players were not real. I lost joy in spending my downtime playing around on GarageBand and making music – because my anxiety was telling me that if Drake is not real, then you cannot make music because you are real…or are you? What a wild thought process my anxiety led me through. I am kind of chuckling writing these specific thoughts out. Finally, I swallowed my pride and called my Mom to walk her through what was going on. I scheduled an emergency therapy session on Friday to talk through more about what I was experiencing. Conveniently, I had buddies in town that helped distract me from the rocky waves of my brain. However, I write this not feeling 100% - and I am trying to feel okay with that fact.
I’ve been suffering from these episodes on and off since I first experienced intense and crippling anxiety in the summer of 2019. Why is it so hard for me to get out of this episode now? In my continued conversations with my parents and my therapist, these episodes don’t happen out of the blue. The thoughts are caused by anxiety - but what is causing the anxiety? Well, I can’t think of a better way to embrace vulnerability, accept that I am not okay and that I need help, and sit with what is making me anxious by posting this journal publicly – an attempt to let others know they are not alone if they are experiencing something similar
Change
Change, of all shapes and sizes, is the culprit of most of my anxiety spells that turn sour. When reflecting on the past week, the biggest change was the weather. Instead of the frigid winter conditions of Nebraska, we were blessed with sunshine and warm temperatures. However, my mind viewed this change as negative. I’m reminded that my time in Omaha is coming to an end soon. I am graduating in May and am finally entering the full-time workforce soon back home in Minneapolis. Although I am excited and optimistic about the next chapter of life, I’d sell myself short if I didn’t admit that I am fearful. What if I don’t like my job? What if I’m not happy? I start thinking about leaving the life I developed in Omaha over the past five years behind. Will it all be worth it?
The value I place on developing relationships in my life is second to none. However, a growing pain that each human being experiences is witnessing these relationships change as time goes on. I’ve realized that I speak less to people that I once frequently communicated with. I’ve realized that I have different goals and objectives than those who I thought were on the same path as I was. These changes are inevitable, but that doesn’t mean they still suck. It is extremely hard to accept that. However, I am learning to accept the journey of life.
Self-Love and Positive Thinking
As I mentioned above, I am the most at peace when I am comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming. The anxiety this past week has told me otherwise. I feel uncomfortable with who I am. I am unsure about who I am becoming. Why? My gut reaction is that I am caught in the dangerous comparison culture our society has built. I find myself spending more time on social media. I look at celebrities and other people that appear to have it all. I imagine what my life would be like if I was one of them. “Damn, I wish that was me,” I think as I watch Jack Harlow’s Route 66 music video. We all do this. I’ll be honest, I wish I was taller. I wish I was skinnier. I wish I was better looking. The past week was filled with dissatisfaction of where I am right now. This elevates and worsens the feeling of disconnectedness from the self - it is a very scary place to be. However, I am accepting that I am me. I can’t magically become anybody else. I am learning to trust the journey and process of self-discovery and growth. Easier said than done.
I’ve also felt really lonely and isolated as of lately. Although I am surrounded by an amazing support system, somedays it is harder to recognize that. I am fully aware that I am a weird individual. I dress differently from everyone I know. I listen to music that is different. My passions and what lights the fire in my soul are different from other people I surround myself with. Although I have learned to love all of the things that make me, well, me, it is still an ongoing process. As somebody who was bullied and ridiculed for just about everything in my adolescent years, from my passion for music, my weight, or even quirky personality traits, I often fail to recognize the lasting effects from those years of my life. Instead of affirming myself, I’m searching for affirmations from others - constantly. On top of that, I am surrounded by many friends here in Omaha that are in outstanding and healthy relationships. Although it is extremely tough for a straight male to admit, I can’t ignore my desire for finding someone that shows me the type of love that my friends and their partners have. I’ve never been in a relationship and struggle with the idea that I haven’t experienced this kind of love before. My anxiety tells me that it will never come, yet I am learning to trust the journey of life.
‘Anxiety about Anxiety’ & Weakness
I believe my recent discomfort is caused by a fear of what my anxiety did to me last Sunday. It had been a long time since an anxiety attack blindsided me like that. And instead of letting the thoughts run its course and accept the way that I felt, I tried to fight it extremely hard. Similar to my battle with health anxiety, I did the same thing for my mental health. I searched for the symptoms of schizophrenia and psychosis. I was digging for some sort of reassurance that I wasn’t going crazy or insane. I was truly afraid that my anxiety would never get better, and still am, even as I write this. For those who have suffered through extreme anxiety, there is a constant and dull fear that your mind will snap and break at any moment. I am trying to remind myself that anxiety is still anxiety – it ebbs and flows.
Coming from weeks and months of limited problems with my anxiety, the recent battle in my mind has stemmed from a failure to accept my worry about the next chapter, the discomfort of changing relationships, doubting and questioning myself, and wondering if I’ll achieve all that I want in life. I ignored all of these feelings. And now, here I am, struggling to admit that I am still weak. Many of you have reached out to me and opened up about your own struggles in life throughout the past 18 months. Although the conversations and community with you all has saved my life, I tend to put this unrealistic pressure on myself that I have to be “all put together” so I can be an example or a guide for those in the midst of a battle that I once was in. This is not the case. I still struggle. I still have bad days and bad weeks. We all do. Strength lies in accepting and sharing when you no longer feel strong. It is okay to struggle. It is all going to be okay. It always is.
Brady
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