Survived My Worst Days

Survived My Worst Days 

Crazy how fast a year goes – the speed of time which moves entirely too quick for my liking. One year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes (cue Seasons of Love from Rent). I write today because it has marked one year since I have opened up to my family and friends about my intense struggles with an anxiety disorder. This has been the single most important decision I have made in my lifetime. Yes, it is always liberating to bring the thoughts and feelings I have pent up for too long into reality. But the decision to be open about my struggles saved my life. 

 

Rewind to August of 2019. Coming off an uncomfortable summer spent in Boston, Massachusetts, my once happy, go-lucky life appeared to be nothing other than a spiraling and repetitive routine of being unable to fall asleep, unable to eat, and unable to focus on anything other than the pain that had taken over my mind. I’ll just be blunt – I didn’t want to be alive. The realization that this type of thought actually came into my mind still scares me to this day. However, an inclination from deep within my heart and persona constantly reminded me that these thoughts were never the solution for my pain, inspiring me to fight every single day. In a very real and true sense, I was fighting for my life. 

 

Initially, I was unable to see any sort of positive from my anxiety disorder. We know that with any storm, it usually takes a while for the clouds and rain to pass before a rainbow appears. I have adopted the perspective that my anxiety disorder is similar to a storm. It rains a little, it downpours and thunders, but it always passes. And it’s because of the storm that I appreciate the sunny and bright days so much more. 

 

I wanted to write today because I often forget what makes my anxiety disorder so great. In retrospect, there have been a vast number of positives that outweigh the negatives. First and foremost, my anxiety disorder has made me a more empathetic version of myself. I’ve always prided myself on having the capability to place myself in another’s shoes. However, the anxiety disorder has brought this to new heights. I grasp the struggles of other people dealing with mental illness. I know what it feels like to not be able to get out of bed, to not want to do anything, or not have the capacity to focus on anything of substance. It is tough, but my disorder has provided a new foundation of empathy that can only make this world a better place. 

 

After getting used to the SSRs (I am a proud user of Zoloft – there should be no shame in taking any sort of medicine to feel better), I realized that my anxiety disorder allows me to “feel” in a way that I wasn’t able to before I was diagnosed. Whether it is watching a TV show, a movie, or listening to a song, I am much more willing to accept and feel my emotions. I smile more, I get angry more, I laugh more, and I also cry more. As I have touched on in my past posts, men are programmed by society to suppress or hide any sort of emotion. The anxiety disorder has seemingly stripped down my walls and guards whether I like it or not. I appreciate acts of kindness in a new way – like individuals reaching out to check in on me, going out of the way to make my life easier, or simply smiling at me from across the room. I feel emotional while watching Twitter videos that pull on the strings of our heart. I also feel the pain and joy in music like I’ve never felt before. I’m more connected to myself and the world around me. 

 

Finally, my anxiety disorder has opened me up to connections and relationships that I would have never imagined. Ever since coming out and sharing my struggles with my network, I’ve found that my friends and connections are much more willing to share their own struggles with me. Individuals reach out to ask for my advice. I’m getting emotional writing about it. My relationships with my friends and family have grown exponentially. We are all human. We all struggle. We all have our bad days. WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THEM! In today’s day and age, I found myself getting caught up in relationships that revolved around interests, school, and going out on the weekends. Those relationships are great, but it’s what happened after my diagnoses that make the connections special. These relationships became full of conversations about life goals, values and principles, personal struggles, and even conversations about faith and politics. Because of my anxiety disorder, my sense of what makes a relationship strong shifted entirely. 

 

The positives of my anxiety disorder are what keep me ticking every single day. I will say, however, that the negatives SUCK. Just because I appear to be doing well does not mean that I actually am. I still fight for my mental health every single day I wake up. What many individuals who don’t experience mental illness don’t know is that it takes a tremendous amount of effort to simply get through the day. I’m constantly in a battle with my own mind, having to stop my daily routine to fight off a spell of intrusive and negative thoughts. There is no single solution to fix my anxiety disorder (If there is, please let me know!). It is hard. But here is one thing that I have learned – my anxiety disorder does not define who I am. Rather, it is how I fight it. I’ve survived my worst days. I’m still fighting. I’m still struggling. I’m still going. But just like a storm, the sun is still shining behind the rain and the clouds. 

Post-Graduation Reflection

I did it. After four years of being pushed inside and outside of the classroom, four years of intense personal growth and development, four years of Busch Light and Starbucks consumption, and four years of memories and relationships that will last a lifetime, I have graduated from Creighton University with a B.S.B.A in Financial Analysis and a B.S. in Communication Studies. I cannot express enough how grateful I am for the friends, family, and mentors that made my time in Omaha so remarkable. So remarkable, in fact, that I have decided to return to Omaha in July to start my Master’s in Business Administration from Creighton University. Although not the original plan heading into my final semester, I felt an intense calling to begin my post-graduate journey in the place that has become a second home for me. 

As I write this from Northern Minnesota over Memorial Weekend, I feel nothing but gratitude. If you were to tell me during the summer of 2016 that I would fear going back home and leaving Creighton, I would have been convinced you were lying. Yet here I am, struggling to come to terms that my undergraduate days have come to an end. It still feels extremely surreal. Given the unprecedented situation due to COVID-19, this time seems to be even more unearthly than it already is. However, I was able to spend the latter half of the semester surrounded by my closest friends, and it was because of our time spent together during quarantine that I feel more connected to them than I could have ever imagined. 

Throughout my final week in Omaha as an undergraduate student at Creighton, I attempted to do three things. First, I needed to process the reality of the situation. As much as I hated to admit it, college does end. Secondly, I embraced my emotions regardless of what they were. I was sad, excited, scared, grateful, etc. Finally, I wanted to take this time to grow personally. Regardless of how I felt, I knew that this transition would be a pivotal part of my personal development. Today, I want to write about my fears as I enter the next chapter of my life. Given my anxiety disorder, I understand that the root of all anxiety is fear. Facing these fears while simultaneously being open about them has been the most important process of healing for me. I also know that I am not alone in the unrest that I am feeling, and hopefully, this blog makes you feel that as well. To all my graduates, congratulations on all of your accomplishments and I wish you nothing but the best as we move forward together. To my undergraduate friends, don’t ever take this time for granted and embrace every part of the journey. 

Time. This may be my biggest fear. My time at Creighton flew by in the blink of an eye. As I moved through senior year, I often questioned if my previous three years of school even happened. It truly seemed like it was just yesterday that I arrived at campus in a downpour as my parents helped me move into Swanson Hall. The reflection on my time at Creighton poises a daunting scenario; time moves faster than I would like. Just as college ends, I know that this life ends as well. This scares me. My love for life is so intense. Even on days where it appears that I can no longer live, the blessings that flood my life keep me alive. Will the rest of my life move this fast? This recognition has allowed me to never take a moment for granted. 

Happiness. I have never been happier in my life. I have the most amazing friends that make me feel accepted and loved. I understand that this element of my time at Creighton is a privilege and one that some individuals cannot relate to. However, this has been a gift and a curse for me. As I prepped for my departure from Omaha, this fear hit me like a brick wall. Will I ever be this happy again? What if I don’t ever feel happiness? Although some of you may be thinking that this is irrational, it is a part of my anxiety and a fear that, hopefully, will slowly fade away. I know that a life full of happiness awaits me. 

Relationships. Relationships are the heart and soul of everything I do in this life. I love building and fostering relationships. This integral element of my life is what guides me in everything I do. As I touched in my previous section, I have been so blessed to be a part of relationships that make me happy. That being said, I think the toughest pill to swallow is the fact that these relationships will change. People move to opposite ends of the country. People meet new friends or coworkers. Never again in my life will I live within a three-block radius of my closest friends and that crushes me. However, I have faith in my generation for making an effort to stay in touch. I know my friends can expect frequent communication on my end. The bonds I have made know no distance and I am excited to see how the relationships I have made develop. 

Purpose. The notion of ‘purpose’ has been a reoccurring topic of discussion between my therapist and I. These last four years at Creighton University has provided me with more purpose and passion than I could have ever imagined. I was a student manager for Creighton Men’s Basketball. I served as a leader in Sigma Phi Epsilon. I was intensely involved in Campus Ministry and the Candlelight Choir. Creighton catered to all of my passions. As I transition into the next chapter, I fear that this passion and feeling of ‘purpose’ will be nonexistent. I’ve seen and heard too many stories about men and women monotonously moving through their lives, working a ‘9-5’ that they hate just to make ends meet. I fear that this will be what my life becomes. Purpose lies in the eye of the beholder, and my purpose will show itself to me when the time is right. 

The ‘Should-Be’s.’ Over the course of this final semester, I took a senior-only Theology course titled ‘Ignatian Spirituality.’ Throughout the course, students partake in a prolonged Ignatian retreat similar to one that St. Ignatius of Loyola took. Father Carlson, SJ and Father Gillick, SJ guided us through a multitude of different styles of prayer and discussion that transformed my faith immensely. One of the toughest obstacles I dealt with was this notion of a ‘standard’ relationship with God. As a product of Catholic education, there exists a flaw in the system; kids are taught precise ways to pray and connect with God without any sort of personal exploration. Our personal and professional lives are set up the same way. We follow leaders and mentors that live life the ‘correct’ way. I’ve come to terms that there is no ‘right’ way to live this life. THL 471 taught me to live my life the way that I want to. God gave us our desires because He knows what is best for us. However, I’m scared that the life I want to live won’t be as ‘good’ as it could be. Growing and learning to love myself and my journey will allow me to be my ‘full self.’ 

Locus of Control. I think every reader of this post can agree with me – there are elements of our world that we simply cannot control. And as somebody with an anxiety disorder, it is difficult to fathom that there are elements of my life that I have no control over. For the entirety of my life, I have been told that I am in control of my destiny. Until last summer, I really did believe that. Now more than ever, I recognize that I don’t have as much control as I previously thought. How will I know that a higher power is looking out for me? Where is my life heading? Due to the global pandemic, I lost my job and had to rethink my entire future. This scares me. I know that there will be many moments in my life that blindside me. However, giving up control allows me to live and breathe with no expectations. 

Mental Health. When my anxiety disorder developed and grew over the summer, I had an intense and real fear that I would spend the rest of my life in and out of a mental institution. This fear still haunts me day-in and day-out. Will I continue to live a mentally healthy lifestyle? Being in Omaha and at Creighton saved my life and being removed from what I am comfortable with concerns me. However, I find peace in knowing that my worst days are long gone. I fight this battle every day and I recognize that I have the tools and resources to overcome this. 

I hope this post provides comfort and serenity to those who find themselves in my shoes. I hope this post provides insight to older individuals that may be unaware of the fears and thoughts that people in my generation go through. The only thing I am sure of in this life is that I want to be open and honest in everything I go through, because every human being should be heard and valued. Regardless of all the fears, I am excited to begin this next chapter. 

Have a blessed Memorial Weekend and thanks for reading. 

-       Brady  

Easter Check-In

Attached is a journal I submitted for my Ignatian Spirituality Course earlier this weekend in which we were asked to pray over the Resurrection of Jesus. I hope this serves as a reminder to take a step back and appreciate all the little moments of joy you may experience. Happy Easter & Be Well.

- B

If anything, praying with the Risen Christ showed me that my life is surrounded by joy. I’ve been born into an amazing family with two supportive parents and three loving siblings. My education at Creighton University has truthfully been filled with nothing but joy. Finding my best friends, working with the basketball team, being able to attend two Encounter with Christ retreats, and singing at the Candlelight masses are all continuous elements of my Creighton experience that provided joy at every turn. And although it is easy to reflect and look back on times where the Risen Christ has manifested Himself in my life, I struggle with not knowing how or when I will experience Him in the years to come. Will there be a joy that is as intense as what I have already experienced? What if I fail to live a life fueled by joy? 

 I came to a realization during this prayer that joy can only be recognized when there exist trials engulfed in the flames of misery. When Jesus was crucified and the stone was rolled over His tomb, Mary and the Apostles experienced one of the greatest tribulations humanly fathomed. They lost their son, friend, teacher, and leader. The three days after His death were clouded by darkness. There was no light at the end of their tunnel. In my life, I experienced three of the darkest months as I was battling my anxiety disorder. I firmly believed that my pain and misery would never end – that joy was a feeling I would never experience again. And like Mary and the Apostles, I was sorely mistaken. I most strongly feel the Risen Christ in my ongoing recovery. There are brief instances that occur occasionally throughout my weeks in which I feel joy by just being able to sit with myself and my thoughts. And in reflection on some of my darkest hours, I am convinced that God wanted to shift my thinking around what ‘joy’ actually is.

Joy had always been a feeling that was derived from a major event in my life. Now, joy ebbs and flows through the little moments throughout my days. I experience joy driving to get my morning coffee. I experience joy while sitting on the porch of my home with my roommates. I experience joy in talking with my family on the phone. I experience joy when one of my favorite songs comes on shuffle. I experience joy through the interactions with those who I do not see often. My life has been surrounded by joy, yet it took a valley to truly appreciate this joy. Happy Easter.