Bump in the Road

It has been a while since I have written on this blog. In fact, it has been a while since I’ve written for the sake of writing. As we all know, the way life moves can be quick, and we often forget to take a step back and reflect on everything that crowds our day-to-day routine. Well, I am writing this tonight because life has caught up to me. It is my responsibility to finally sit here with my thoughts and pick the pieces back up. 

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To be quite honest, I’ve been feeling fantastic these past few months, which explains my silence and lack of writing. I’m busy finishing up my master’s degree at Creighton University, I have a great job where I am surrounded by driven and compassionate people, and I’m in the company of fantastic friends that fill my weekends and downtime with companionship and fun. I’ve been on top of the world. It’s funny to reflect and think about why I actually feel good when my anxiety is limited and suppressed. I feel like I have purpose. I feel confident in who I am now. I feel confident in who I am becoming. I am at peace with the present. I don’t fill up with shame when I fuck up. The most important, however, is that I am not afraid of my mind. I don’t fear my anxiety. This is how I’ve been feeling lately. However, a few weekends ago, my anxiety threw me for a loop that I am still working on managing. 

I had a pretty regular weekend. Our friends in Omaha have found ways to stay busy in the midst of a year full of changes, stress, and adjustments. The Blue Jays had a big game against Xavier, and it was business as usual. As I come to understand myself more, I’ve realized that Sundays are a difficult day for my anxiety. Staying out entirely too late coupled with a lack of structure, I find my mind wondering to places where it has no business being. The “Sunday Scaries” for me involve pondering over my existence, asking questions like, “Why did we evolve to human beings,” and questioning everything that I enjoy and/or desire – different from some of your “Sunday Scaries” probably. This Sunday started out well. I felt at peace. I felt comfortable. As the day was coming to an end, I took a quiz for an MBA class (did not do well on it) then decided to watch the new Billie Eilish documentary on Apple TV. As I began to watch it, I suffered through some strenuous and uncomfortable intrusive thoughts. “She isn’t real. “This is fake.” “Everyone in your life is a figment of your imagination.” The thoughts continued and grew louder in my head. Do you know that feeling when a song is stuck in your head and you can’t shake it? Almost like the song is playing in your head at the same volume of music at a sweaty and crowded college party? This is what was happening to me. After all my work in therapy, I’ve come to know that these episodes pass, and I decided to pause the documentary and go to bed. Yet the monster that I call anxiety was still present in the morning. 

The intrusive thoughts grew louder and began to spiral out of control. “You aren’t real.” “You are in a dream.” As I try to be more specific in walking through my thoughts, I’m struggling to even remember the specifics. The intrusive episodes leave me extremely disconnected and disoriented. The last week feels like a blur. For over a year, I have gone to my therapist every Tuesday. This past week was no different and I went to him with all of the weight my mind was carrying. The therapy session didn’t work as it usually did. On a regular Tuesday, I leave his office in West Omaha feeling calm and peaceful – that I am rounding a corner on another week of my life and my journey with anxiety. However, it was not the case on this particular day. My anxiety was still leading my mind to question my reality. “Are my coworkers real?” “Is this music I am listening to real?” “Is Drake a real person?!” I wanted so badly for my mind to just shut off. I now thought that this could be a different mental disorder. “Do I have schizophrenia?” “Am I bipolar?” “Am I having a break from reality?” “Am I suffering from psychosis?” “What if I have to spend the rest of my life in an insane asylum?” In that specific moment, while sitting at my cubicle, I firmly believed I would never recover and that all of my progress over the last two years was thrown out the window. I felt crushed. 

I began diving into research online for tips and tricks on how to shake out of this anxiety episode. None of the advice seemed to work. I was completely and unable to get out of my own head. I lost joy in listening to music – because my anxiety was telling me the artists were not real. I lost joy in watching hoops – because my anxiety was telling me the players were not real. I lost joy in spending my downtime playing around on GarageBand and making music – because my anxiety was telling me that if Drake is not real, then you cannot make music because you are real…or are you? What a wild thought process my anxiety led me through. I am kind of chuckling writing these specific thoughts out. Finally, I swallowed my pride and called my Mom to walk her through what was going on. I scheduled an emergency therapy session on Friday to talk through more about what I was experiencing. Conveniently, I had buddies in town that helped distract me from the rocky waves of my brain. However, I write this not feeling 100% - and I am trying to feel okay with that fact. 

I’ve been suffering from these episodes on and off since I first experienced intense and crippling anxiety in the summer of 2019. Why is it so hard for me to get out of this episode now? In my continued conversations with my parents and my therapist, these episodes don’t happen out of the blue. The thoughts are caused by anxiety - but what is causing the anxiety? Well, I can’t think of a better way to embrace vulnerability, accept that I am not okay and that I need help, and sit with what is making me anxious by posting this journal publicly – an attempt to let others know they are not alone if they are experiencing something similar

Change 

Change, of all shapes and sizes, is the culprit of most of my anxiety spells that turn sour. When reflecting on the past week, the biggest change was the weather. Instead of the frigid winter conditions of Nebraska, we were blessed with sunshine and warm temperatures. However, my mind viewed this change as negative. I’m reminded that my time in Omaha is coming to an end soon. I am graduating in May and am finally entering the full-time workforce soon back home in Minneapolis. Although I am excited and optimistic about the next chapter of life, I’d sell myself short if I didn’t admit that I am fearful. What if I don’t like my job? What if I’m not happy? I start thinking about leaving the life I developed in Omaha over the past five years behind. Will it all be worth it?

The value I place on developing relationships in my life is second to none. However, a growing pain that each human being experiences is witnessing these relationships change as time goes on. I’ve realized that I speak less to people that I once frequently communicated with. I’ve realized that I have different goals and objectives than those who I thought were on the same path as I was. These changes are inevitable, but that doesn’t mean they still suck. It is extremely hard to accept that. However, I am learning to accept the journey of life. 

Self-Love and Positive Thinking 

As I mentioned above, I am the most at peace when I am comfortable with who I am and who I am becoming. The anxiety this past week has told me otherwise. I feel uncomfortable with who I am. I am unsure about who I am becoming. Why? My gut reaction is that I am caught in the dangerous comparison culture our society has built. I find myself spending more time on social media. I look at celebrities and other people that appear to have it all. I imagine what my life would be like if I was one of them. “Damn, I wish that was me,” I think as I watch Jack Harlow’s Route 66 music video. We all do this. I’ll be honest, I wish I was taller. I wish I was skinnier. I wish I was better looking. The past week was filled with dissatisfaction of where I am right now. This elevates and worsens the feeling of disconnectedness from the self - it is a very scary place to be. However, I am accepting that I am me. I can’t magically become anybody else. I am learning to trust the journey and process of self-discovery and growth. Easier said than done.

I’ve also felt really lonely and isolated as of lately. Although I am surrounded by an amazing support system, somedays it is harder to recognize that. I am fully aware that I am a weird individual. I dress differently from everyone I know. I listen to music that is different. My passions and what lights the fire in my soul are different from other people I surround myself with. Although I have learned to love all of the things that make me, well, me, it is still an ongoing process. As somebody who was bullied and ridiculed for just about everything in my adolescent years, from my passion for music, my weight, or even quirky personality traits, I often fail to recognize the lasting effects from those years of my life. Instead of affirming myself, I’m searching for affirmations from others - constantly. On top of that, I am surrounded by many friends here in Omaha that are in outstanding and healthy relationships. Although it is extremely tough for a straight male to admit, I can’t ignore my desire for finding someone that shows me the type of love that my friends and their partners have. I’ve never been in a relationship and struggle with the idea that I haven’t experienced this kind of love before. My anxiety tells me that it will never come, yet I am learning to trust the journey of life. 

‘Anxiety about Anxiety’ & Weakness

I believe my recent discomfort is caused by a fear of what my anxiety did to me last Sunday. It had been a long time since an anxiety attack blindsided me like that. And instead of letting the thoughts run its course and accept the way that I felt, I tried to fight it extremely hard. Similar to my battle with health anxiety, I did the same thing for my mental health. I searched for the symptoms of schizophrenia and psychosis. I was digging for some sort of reassurance that I wasn’t going crazy or insane. I was truly afraid that my anxiety would never get better, and still am, even as I write this. For those who have suffered through extreme anxiety, there is a constant and dull fear that your mind will snap and break at any moment. I am trying to remind myself that anxiety is still anxiety – it ebbs and flows. 

Coming from weeks and months of limited problems with my anxiety, the recent battle in my mind has stemmed from a failure to accept my worry about the next chapter, the discomfort of changing relationships, doubting and questioning myself, and wondering if I’ll achieve all that I want in life. I ignored all of these feelings. And now, here I am, struggling to admit that I am still weak. Many of you have reached out to me and opened up about your own struggles in life throughout the past 18 months. Although the conversations and community with you all has saved my life, I tend to put this unrealistic pressure on myself that I have to be “all put together” so I can be an example or a guide for those in the midst of a battle that I once was in. This is not the case. I still struggle. I still have bad days and bad weeks. We all do. Strength lies in accepting and sharing when you no longer feel strong. It is okay to struggle. It is all going to be okay. It always is. 

Brady 

Survived My Worst Days

Survived My Worst Days 

Crazy how fast a year goes – the speed of time which moves entirely too quick for my liking. One year. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes (cue Seasons of Love from Rent). I write today because it has marked one year since I have opened up to my family and friends about my intense struggles with an anxiety disorder. This has been the single most important decision I have made in my lifetime. Yes, it is always liberating to bring the thoughts and feelings I have pent up for too long into reality. But the decision to be open about my struggles saved my life. 

 

Rewind to August of 2019. Coming off an uncomfortable summer spent in Boston, Massachusetts, my once happy, go-lucky life appeared to be nothing other than a spiraling and repetitive routine of being unable to fall asleep, unable to eat, and unable to focus on anything other than the pain that had taken over my mind. I’ll just be blunt – I didn’t want to be alive. The realization that this type of thought actually came into my mind still scares me to this day. However, an inclination from deep within my heart and persona constantly reminded me that these thoughts were never the solution for my pain, inspiring me to fight every single day. In a very real and true sense, I was fighting for my life. 

 

Initially, I was unable to see any sort of positive from my anxiety disorder. We know that with any storm, it usually takes a while for the clouds and rain to pass before a rainbow appears. I have adopted the perspective that my anxiety disorder is similar to a storm. It rains a little, it downpours and thunders, but it always passes. And it’s because of the storm that I appreciate the sunny and bright days so much more. 

 

I wanted to write today because I often forget what makes my anxiety disorder so great. In retrospect, there have been a vast number of positives that outweigh the negatives. First and foremost, my anxiety disorder has made me a more empathetic version of myself. I’ve always prided myself on having the capability to place myself in another’s shoes. However, the anxiety disorder has brought this to new heights. I grasp the struggles of other people dealing with mental illness. I know what it feels like to not be able to get out of bed, to not want to do anything, or not have the capacity to focus on anything of substance. It is tough, but my disorder has provided a new foundation of empathy that can only make this world a better place. 

 

After getting used to the SSRs (I am a proud user of Zoloft – there should be no shame in taking any sort of medicine to feel better), I realized that my anxiety disorder allows me to “feel” in a way that I wasn’t able to before I was diagnosed. Whether it is watching a TV show, a movie, or listening to a song, I am much more willing to accept and feel my emotions. I smile more, I get angry more, I laugh more, and I also cry more. As I have touched on in my past posts, men are programmed by society to suppress or hide any sort of emotion. The anxiety disorder has seemingly stripped down my walls and guards whether I like it or not. I appreciate acts of kindness in a new way – like individuals reaching out to check in on me, going out of the way to make my life easier, or simply smiling at me from across the room. I feel emotional while watching Twitter videos that pull on the strings of our heart. I also feel the pain and joy in music like I’ve never felt before. I’m more connected to myself and the world around me. 

 

Finally, my anxiety disorder has opened me up to connections and relationships that I would have never imagined. Ever since coming out and sharing my struggles with my network, I’ve found that my friends and connections are much more willing to share their own struggles with me. Individuals reach out to ask for my advice. I’m getting emotional writing about it. My relationships with my friends and family have grown exponentially. We are all human. We all struggle. We all have our bad days. WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT THEM! In today’s day and age, I found myself getting caught up in relationships that revolved around interests, school, and going out on the weekends. Those relationships are great, but it’s what happened after my diagnoses that make the connections special. These relationships became full of conversations about life goals, values and principles, personal struggles, and even conversations about faith and politics. Because of my anxiety disorder, my sense of what makes a relationship strong shifted entirely. 

 

The positives of my anxiety disorder are what keep me ticking every single day. I will say, however, that the negatives SUCK. Just because I appear to be doing well does not mean that I actually am. I still fight for my mental health every single day I wake up. What many individuals who don’t experience mental illness don’t know is that it takes a tremendous amount of effort to simply get through the day. I’m constantly in a battle with my own mind, having to stop my daily routine to fight off a spell of intrusive and negative thoughts. There is no single solution to fix my anxiety disorder (If there is, please let me know!). It is hard. But here is one thing that I have learned – my anxiety disorder does not define who I am. Rather, it is how I fight it. I’ve survived my worst days. I’m still fighting. I’m still struggling. I’m still going. But just like a storm, the sun is still shining behind the rain and the clouds. 

Post-Graduation Reflection

I did it. After four years of being pushed inside and outside of the classroom, four years of intense personal growth and development, four years of Busch Light and Starbucks consumption, and four years of memories and relationships that will last a lifetime, I have graduated from Creighton University with a B.S.B.A in Financial Analysis and a B.S. in Communication Studies. I cannot express enough how grateful I am for the friends, family, and mentors that made my time in Omaha so remarkable. So remarkable, in fact, that I have decided to return to Omaha in July to start my Master’s in Business Administration from Creighton University. Although not the original plan heading into my final semester, I felt an intense calling to begin my post-graduate journey in the place that has become a second home for me. 

As I write this from Northern Minnesota over Memorial Weekend, I feel nothing but gratitude. If you were to tell me during the summer of 2016 that I would fear going back home and leaving Creighton, I would have been convinced you were lying. Yet here I am, struggling to come to terms that my undergraduate days have come to an end. It still feels extremely surreal. Given the unprecedented situation due to COVID-19, this time seems to be even more unearthly than it already is. However, I was able to spend the latter half of the semester surrounded by my closest friends, and it was because of our time spent together during quarantine that I feel more connected to them than I could have ever imagined. 

Throughout my final week in Omaha as an undergraduate student at Creighton, I attempted to do three things. First, I needed to process the reality of the situation. As much as I hated to admit it, college does end. Secondly, I embraced my emotions regardless of what they were. I was sad, excited, scared, grateful, etc. Finally, I wanted to take this time to grow personally. Regardless of how I felt, I knew that this transition would be a pivotal part of my personal development. Today, I want to write about my fears as I enter the next chapter of my life. Given my anxiety disorder, I understand that the root of all anxiety is fear. Facing these fears while simultaneously being open about them has been the most important process of healing for me. I also know that I am not alone in the unrest that I am feeling, and hopefully, this blog makes you feel that as well. To all my graduates, congratulations on all of your accomplishments and I wish you nothing but the best as we move forward together. To my undergraduate friends, don’t ever take this time for granted and embrace every part of the journey. 

Time. This may be my biggest fear. My time at Creighton flew by in the blink of an eye. As I moved through senior year, I often questioned if my previous three years of school even happened. It truly seemed like it was just yesterday that I arrived at campus in a downpour as my parents helped me move into Swanson Hall. The reflection on my time at Creighton poises a daunting scenario; time moves faster than I would like. Just as college ends, I know that this life ends as well. This scares me. My love for life is so intense. Even on days where it appears that I can no longer live, the blessings that flood my life keep me alive. Will the rest of my life move this fast? This recognition has allowed me to never take a moment for granted. 

Happiness. I have never been happier in my life. I have the most amazing friends that make me feel accepted and loved. I understand that this element of my time at Creighton is a privilege and one that some individuals cannot relate to. However, this has been a gift and a curse for me. As I prepped for my departure from Omaha, this fear hit me like a brick wall. Will I ever be this happy again? What if I don’t ever feel happiness? Although some of you may be thinking that this is irrational, it is a part of my anxiety and a fear that, hopefully, will slowly fade away. I know that a life full of happiness awaits me. 

Relationships. Relationships are the heart and soul of everything I do in this life. I love building and fostering relationships. This integral element of my life is what guides me in everything I do. As I touched in my previous section, I have been so blessed to be a part of relationships that make me happy. That being said, I think the toughest pill to swallow is the fact that these relationships will change. People move to opposite ends of the country. People meet new friends or coworkers. Never again in my life will I live within a three-block radius of my closest friends and that crushes me. However, I have faith in my generation for making an effort to stay in touch. I know my friends can expect frequent communication on my end. The bonds I have made know no distance and I am excited to see how the relationships I have made develop. 

Purpose. The notion of ‘purpose’ has been a reoccurring topic of discussion between my therapist and I. These last four years at Creighton University has provided me with more purpose and passion than I could have ever imagined. I was a student manager for Creighton Men’s Basketball. I served as a leader in Sigma Phi Epsilon. I was intensely involved in Campus Ministry and the Candlelight Choir. Creighton catered to all of my passions. As I transition into the next chapter, I fear that this passion and feeling of ‘purpose’ will be nonexistent. I’ve seen and heard too many stories about men and women monotonously moving through their lives, working a ‘9-5’ that they hate just to make ends meet. I fear that this will be what my life becomes. Purpose lies in the eye of the beholder, and my purpose will show itself to me when the time is right. 

The ‘Should-Be’s.’ Over the course of this final semester, I took a senior-only Theology course titled ‘Ignatian Spirituality.’ Throughout the course, students partake in a prolonged Ignatian retreat similar to one that St. Ignatius of Loyola took. Father Carlson, SJ and Father Gillick, SJ guided us through a multitude of different styles of prayer and discussion that transformed my faith immensely. One of the toughest obstacles I dealt with was this notion of a ‘standard’ relationship with God. As a product of Catholic education, there exists a flaw in the system; kids are taught precise ways to pray and connect with God without any sort of personal exploration. Our personal and professional lives are set up the same way. We follow leaders and mentors that live life the ‘correct’ way. I’ve come to terms that there is no ‘right’ way to live this life. THL 471 taught me to live my life the way that I want to. God gave us our desires because He knows what is best for us. However, I’m scared that the life I want to live won’t be as ‘good’ as it could be. Growing and learning to love myself and my journey will allow me to be my ‘full self.’ 

Locus of Control. I think every reader of this post can agree with me – there are elements of our world that we simply cannot control. And as somebody with an anxiety disorder, it is difficult to fathom that there are elements of my life that I have no control over. For the entirety of my life, I have been told that I am in control of my destiny. Until last summer, I really did believe that. Now more than ever, I recognize that I don’t have as much control as I previously thought. How will I know that a higher power is looking out for me? Where is my life heading? Due to the global pandemic, I lost my job and had to rethink my entire future. This scares me. I know that there will be many moments in my life that blindside me. However, giving up control allows me to live and breathe with no expectations. 

Mental Health. When my anxiety disorder developed and grew over the summer, I had an intense and real fear that I would spend the rest of my life in and out of a mental institution. This fear still haunts me day-in and day-out. Will I continue to live a mentally healthy lifestyle? Being in Omaha and at Creighton saved my life and being removed from what I am comfortable with concerns me. However, I find peace in knowing that my worst days are long gone. I fight this battle every day and I recognize that I have the tools and resources to overcome this. 

I hope this post provides comfort and serenity to those who find themselves in my shoes. I hope this post provides insight to older individuals that may be unaware of the fears and thoughts that people in my generation go through. The only thing I am sure of in this life is that I want to be open and honest in everything I go through, because every human being should be heard and valued. Regardless of all the fears, I am excited to begin this next chapter. 

Have a blessed Memorial Weekend and thanks for reading. 

-       Brady  

Easter Check-In

Attached is a journal I submitted for my Ignatian Spirituality Course earlier this weekend in which we were asked to pray over the Resurrection of Jesus. I hope this serves as a reminder to take a step back and appreciate all the little moments of joy you may experience. Happy Easter & Be Well.

- B

If anything, praying with the Risen Christ showed me that my life is surrounded by joy. I’ve been born into an amazing family with two supportive parents and three loving siblings. My education at Creighton University has truthfully been filled with nothing but joy. Finding my best friends, working with the basketball team, being able to attend two Encounter with Christ retreats, and singing at the Candlelight masses are all continuous elements of my Creighton experience that provided joy at every turn. And although it is easy to reflect and look back on times where the Risen Christ has manifested Himself in my life, I struggle with not knowing how or when I will experience Him in the years to come. Will there be a joy that is as intense as what I have already experienced? What if I fail to live a life fueled by joy? 

 I came to a realization during this prayer that joy can only be recognized when there exist trials engulfed in the flames of misery. When Jesus was crucified and the stone was rolled over His tomb, Mary and the Apostles experienced one of the greatest tribulations humanly fathomed. They lost their son, friend, teacher, and leader. The three days after His death were clouded by darkness. There was no light at the end of their tunnel. In my life, I experienced three of the darkest months as I was battling my anxiety disorder. I firmly believed that my pain and misery would never end – that joy was a feeling I would never experience again. And like Mary and the Apostles, I was sorely mistaken. I most strongly feel the Risen Christ in my ongoing recovery. There are brief instances that occur occasionally throughout my weeks in which I feel joy by just being able to sit with myself and my thoughts. And in reflection on some of my darkest hours, I am convinced that God wanted to shift my thinking around what ‘joy’ actually is.

Joy had always been a feeling that was derived from a major event in my life. Now, joy ebbs and flows through the little moments throughout my days. I experience joy driving to get my morning coffee. I experience joy while sitting on the porch of my home with my roommates. I experience joy in talking with my family on the phone. I experience joy when one of my favorite songs comes on shuffle. I experience joy through the interactions with those who I do not see often. My life has been surrounded by joy, yet it took a valley to truly appreciate this joy. Happy Easter.  

Holiday Check-In

Hey, all. Just wanted to check in – another attempt to use this platform and make discussions like these regular in my life. The response that I have gotten from my previous post has been incredible, providing me with not only a network of individuals that have both gone through something similar, but also connecting me with those who understand the liberation that comes with talking about mental health. Thank you all for taking the time to read my story and to hear my truth. The ability to cope with you all has been life changing. 

I have just completed my first semester of senior year at Creighton University. It is a bittersweet feeling knowing that my time in Omaha is coming to an end, but I am starting to see just how grateful I am for my education and experiences here. This semester, however, has not been full of sunshine and rainbows. It has been extremely challenging to adapt to my anxiety disorder with a busy schedule full of school and work – as well as a little bit of fun along the way. The word “balance” often feels like a mystery to me. We are told to find this “balance” in our day-to-day lives, but my journey in searching for this has been stressful. As someone who, thankfully, can function with my anxiety disorder at a high level, there were days where all of my tasks at hand just seemed too much. Taking days or time for myself and my mental health has been so vital in my journey these last few months – serving as a reminder that it’s okay to step away from everything. 

My anxiety still comes in many forms, but most intensely through thoughts about my existence, humanity and the world, and death. As my sessions with my therapist continue, I’ve come to the discovery that this existential angst actually lies within myself. My faith has taught me that everything happens for a reason and that we are exactly who we are supposed to be. Yet I am juggling with the question, “Who am I?” If anything, my anxiety has been stemming from months of personal growth and self-discovery - a growth into a more independent person. It’s like I’ve unlocked this door into my being. A door that I should not have the ability to open. A feeling that is so intense at times. I question my every breath, my bodily movements, my thoughts and my desires. It’s the overwhelming feeling and recognition of being alive. It feels as if I had been blindly wandering through our planet, and it just now hit me that I am here. It’s evident that over the summer there were many nights where I thought I would not wake up the next morning. My brain seemingly tricked me into having “near-death experiences,” which still terrify me to this day. Not only does it seem like these thoughts of death and my being persist through every moment of my life, but that I feel as if I shouldn’t be having these thoughts at all. That these thoughts make me inherently different from all of you. I'm too young to be thinking about my death. My gratefulness and appreciation for the life I live has caused me to feel anxious. I love life so much, in fact, that my brain wants to know more about why I'm here, what my purpose is, and what my existence truly means; all questions that have no answer - something my disorder cannot settle with. 

However, I survived the semester. I passed all my classes with soaring colors, didn’t skip a beat while working with Creighton Men’s Basketball, and managed to be present and engaged in all of my interactions with classmates and friends. But I’ve had bad days repeatedly. It seems as if it’s impossible for me to string together a week’s worth of great days. But it’s a part of my journey and my struggle. Joe Johnson, long-time NBA great, recently got the phrase “Trust your Struggle” inked on his upper-left pec and shoulder. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’ve yet to fully trust my struggle. I’m still so frustrated that this disorder has happened to me. I’m so confused that I can’t fully explain to anyone why I’m so anxious without sounding like a lunatic – the aspect of anxiety that tries to convince your mind that you are actually going crazy. But I've used the resources around me. 

That being said, the people in my life have again and again provided a shoulder to lean on even if they recognized it or not. Whether it is me and my friends shooting the shit in the living room of my college house or being distracted by a friend in the library, these alone take me outside of my mind, a place that can often be uncomfortable and stressful to sit in. A simple check-in from a family member or high school friend may seem so unimportant, but the idea that I have people in my life that care about me goes much further than I actually comprehended before I struggled with my disorder. 

And as this check-in concludes, I thought I would share a little bit about the most difficult aspect of dealing with my disorder, and possibly a common theme for other individuals in your life struggling with mental health. Each and every day, it is a struggle to love myself - or accept this condition for what it is. I am so focused on getting myself better right now that I spend a large portion of the day thinking about my disorder – something that our society has taught us is “bad” or “needs to be fixed.” Yes, it is nice to hear others say how much I mean to them and how much they love me, but does it matter if I’m not even comfortable with who I am? This battle has only gotten easier from where I was a few short months ago. I’ve recently been reading Lincoln’s Melancholy, a book about how President Abraham Lincoln’s depression challenged him and fueled his success and leadership – an attempt to view my anxiety disorder as a positive in my life. I’ve found inspiration in music, specifically through songs about an artist’s struggles and strife and how they coped, reminding me that although I am the only one experiencing my struggle, many others in our world are going through something similar. I've also reexamined what I love most about myself and what I love to do - something we don't do for ourselves enough. All of these have helped me re-learn how to love myself.

As I was shopping with my family over Christmas break recently, I wasn’t talking a ton. My Mom asked me how I was feeling, making it seem as if she was concerned because I wasn’t engaged with my surroundings. However, I was having a great day – a day so great that I could sit with my thoughts, something I hadn’t been able to do for some time. I explained to her that on my worst days, sometimes being engaged is my only way out of my mind. And on my best days, sometimes sitting with myself and my mind is all I want. As my mother stared at me with a complexed look on her face, this is when I truly understood the mystery that is “mental health." It has so many different faces and symptoms. With many of you home for the holidays, I encourage everyone that reads this to check in on their loved ones. Be honest with yourself and your family if you aren’t doing well. Use the support and love that surrounds you every day. And even if you feel as if you’re denied from every Inn as Mary and Joseph were, there is a manger right around the corner. Thank you, all, for being my manger. 

Merry Christmas,

 B 

Dear World,

      Mind racing. Heart pounding. Am I dying? Is this really what my life comes down to? Will I see my family or friends ever again? Is God real? Am I real? What if there is no afterlife? I am so far from home. Oh my God, my heart is going so fast. Get up and move around. Try sleeping on the couch. It is so hot in this room. Why is it so hot? It's 4am - I have to be up in two hours for work! Go to bed! Did I die in my sleep? Is this is all a dream? Look at all these deaths in the news. Why is my heart skipping beats? You will die in your sleep. What is happening to me? Why do I feel this way? I'm fine just go to bed. THIS ISN’T REAL. 

         

 This is how I felt during my first panic attack, one of several episodes that have occurred in the past months. Anxiety, and at my lowest – anxiety-induced depression, is a fairly new battle for me. I'm surprised, to say the least, that something like this happened to me. A kid who is so blessed. So happy. So thankful for life. As I learn to grow and understand my disorder at a wider scope and with a more accepting attitude, this mental disorder had been growing and waiting for its moment to pounce. I have started to place little bits and pieces of my life together that crafted and curated a “perfect storm,” as my therapist calls it. 

I am six or seven. I just invited friends over from school to play with Legos or do whatever I was doing with my friends at that age. I had been having nightmares about my Mom being kidnapped or that I would wake up and find that my parents had disappeared. That day, in particular, I refused to go down to the basement. Rather, I sat at the top of the stairs and watched my Mom in the kitchen, making sure that she would not get taken from our home. The nightmares soon passed, and the fear was over. I thought nothing of it.

I’m in middle school. I’ve started to play sports and become engaged in SportsCenter and ESPN. I wake up early every Saturday morning to watch SportsCenter and College Gameday in the fall. I was feeling under the weather for a while and I knew I was starting to get sick. There is a swollen lymph node on the back of my neck that I had never experienced – a regular symptom that comes with viruses and sickness. As I sit there on a perfect Saturday morning, a segment about a young high school football player battling cancer comes on the screen. Particularly, this young man had a bump so large on the back of his neck that he could not fit his helmet on his head - one of the indicators that he needed to see a doctor. As I take this content in, my body shuts down. I have no idea what is happening. I lay in the top bunk that my brother and I shared while my parents come in to say "Goodnight." I am not saying a word to them, laying motionless in my bed. Out of nowhere, I burst into tears. I tell them, "I think I have cancer." After a quick trip to the urgent care the next day, I was diagnosed with strep throat. I assumed I was overreacting. I thought nothing of it.

WebMD has been the modern fuel for my anxiousness throughout high school and college. The easy access, in-depth research provided by licensed professionals, and home-remedies for symptoms can be handy in certain situations. Not with my brain's wiring.  I have an intense history of misdiagnosing myself with a serious illness and am constantly reminded by my friends that I should stay away. Yet I didn't  – but I thought nothing of it. 

The final and most unbearable moment came this past summer. As I am preparing for my internship in Boston, my anxiety is telling me that something bad is going to happen at home or in Omaha while I am gone. I didn’t know what it was going to be, but I wouldn’t be there to help in any way. As the summer begins to progress and I start to get settled in a new city, my anxiety now starts to trick my brain into thinking that something is wrong with me. I have a nagging ear issue that would not go away. Was this the “tragedy” that I had thought was going to happen? Turns out, it was a common jaw disorder (TMJ) caused by stress and anxiety. After a trip to an ENT doctor, most people’s minds would be at ease. Mine was not. I thought the doctor did not do enough testing. My anxiety ramps up. I think I am dying. I now drive the long way home because I thought it would be the last time seeing the sunset. I celebrate every morning because I wake up. I imagine my family and friends at my funeral. My life is flashing before my eyes - an extremely surreal sensation. I believe that these notions would soon leave like my previous bouts with nightmares in my adolescence. But they didn't.

 I now find myself no longer able to control my thoughts. It felt as if I was losing my mind entirely. I start to experience the “worst-of-the-worst” anxiety. I no longer think anything is real, telling myself that this was all an illusion in my head. These thoughts then lead me to question my actual reality and aspects of who I am. What is this place? Where am I? What am I? "Existential Anxiety," as they call it. I’m now trapped in my head. The anxiety is telling me that I need to go to a mental hospital. I can no longer focus on a simple TV show, book, or even my day-to-day tasks at work. Would these thoughts ever end?

I return home from Boston at my lowest place. I have one more doctor’s appointment for my ear and I tell myself that all of this anxiety and medical stress will go away after I got a proper diagnosis. Dead wrong. I get the same opinion from the second doctor that the first ENT gave me. I went home, extremely sad and defeated. Why did my brain do this? Hopelessness overcomes me. I firmly believe my mind is never going to get better. I can’t eat anything. I don’t want to get out of bed. I'm unable to sleep and haven’t been sleeping well for quite some time. I decided that I couldn’t handle this storm by myself anymore. As I walk upstairs from my room, I sit in the family room and sob uncontrollably. This was the final straw - a cry for help.

It took 21 years to finally figure it out. With this new revelation of my anxiety disorder comes a rush of feelings. I feel sad. I feel different. I just feel off and disconnected from the rest of the world. Some days, it sucks. Absolutely sucks. However, I am so fortunate to have the support system that surrounds me every day. It is a blessing that I have found family and friends that encourage me to talk and made me feel comfortable enough to admit that I was in a place where I needed assistance. Some people don't have this feeling. Some people believe they have no one to talk to. However, talking saved my life. 

Here I am now, back in Omaha and at Creighton – in a better place than I was yesterday, last week, and last month. The quickness of this disorder is frightening. How can people live with this for their entire lives? But I am coming to peace with the idea that I am still normal. I didn’t change. I'm still 'me.' Although my struggle with anxiety is not unique, I believe every case is drastically different. The thoughts people have. The way they cope. How they act. What they choose to share. My coping is centered in remaining 110% myself, fully embracing this roadblock in my journey, and simply telling my story. Anxiety, if used correctly, is what makes individuals successful. Stressing out over an exam. Making sure to apply to that internship you wanted. It's human nature. I now view it more positively than I ever could have imagined three months ago, a bit from my cognitive-behavioral therapy practices that has helped tremendously.

In my opinion, I truly believe some people think I am bluffing about this whole ordeal. To the ordinary eye, nothing about my life or my personality has changed. I don't spend hours alone in my room. I'm able to get out of bed and go to class. I go out with my friends on the weekend. What people don’t see is that, at this moment, it takes every cell in my body to not let this thing defeat who I am. The anxiety medication coupled with the extra effort it takes to maintain my humanity makes me feel exhausted by day’s end. But it feels refreshing. I feel brand new. I wouldn't have it any other way.

In working through my struggles with my therapist here in Omaha, we have come to the conclusion that my anxiety is largely caused by the future; the unknown. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't have a full-time job lined up. I truly don't even really know what I want to do for my career. And as the thoughts of the future loom over me, I start to remember that I have to leave Creighton and college at the end of this school year. These last three years have been the best years of my life. I won't be surrounded by my amazing friends at every second of the day. I'll have to leave the jobs, clubs, and organizations that I have grown so passionate about. I won't be able to pop into St. John's church at midnight, the place where my faith was restructured and enhanced. I know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be and who I'm supposed to be when I am at Creighton. However, I constantly remind myself that I made Creighton and my college experience the best years of my life. Who says that I can't make the future ten times better? 

My disorder has caused me to question every aspect of my life, human existence, and even what my purpose is in this world of ours. It has even attacked my faith. This "existential anxiety" controlled the latter half of my summer. But what I realized is that I can control my thoughts. I am in control of my life. To remind myself, I have 2 Corinthians 12:10 tattooed on my left wrist. It reads, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, I am strong.” For the rest of eternity, I now have a small reminder that weaknesses and struggles are a part of God’s plan for me. What started as asking God, "Why me?" has turned to, "What next?" "What do You want me to do with this bump in the road?" This is part of my purpose and my story.

As young men, we are told that this kind of mental illness and disorder does not exist. "Be tough." "Don’t show emotion." "Talking about your feelings is soft." I’ll admit; I used to think this way up until my own battle came to fruition. I was so ignorant to these disorders that I thought I was above them all. But anxiety doesn't have criteria for its candidates. It can happen to anyone. We need to change our thinking. We need to be open with each other. Although our country has made huge strides in the last decade, there is still a tremendous amount of work that needs to be done to break the stigma of mental illnesses and disorders. I’m not sharing my story in search of a pity party or sympathy from anyone. In fact, I would prefer that I was treated like this whole ordeal never occurred. Rather, sharing this furthers my progress in accepting the normality of these conditions. It brings my anxiety disorder into reality, something that I struggled with for the longest time and something that people all over the world wrestle. I’m inspired every day by individuals that are vulnerable and open with their battles, leaving their doors open for the world to see. I encourage everyone to be open about stress, anxiety, depression, and even the little storms that can plague your day-to-day life. Your family, friends, therapists – and even safe dosages of medication can be so beneficial. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. It happens. It is normal. It is a part of life. It is a part of you. It's a part of me. It does get better - trust me. Talking saved my life. So, let’s talk about it.